tooku no sora no tsuki wa mou nemutasou de
kasuka ni nagareru dareka no uta to yoru dake moteamashita mama
asa ni narou to shite'ru no ni mada nemurenai yo
sore wa sabishii kara ja nakute kimi no negao wo mada miteitai kara
mijikai kiss nara chikasugiru hou ga ii
kokochiyoku iki ga fureau kurai chikaku ni oide
kimi no yume wo kikasete... dare ni mo iwanai yo
hazukashigarazu ni sotto oshiete...
moshi kimi ga kowai yume no naka de
maigo ni natte naite'tara
kiss de namida o fuite
doko ni ite mo mukae ni iku yo
tehajime ni kimi no koe kara suki ni natte... ima ja
ki no tsuyosa mo suneta kao mo kirai na to kofukumete zenbu suki
"nee..." ja nakute boku no namae wo yonde mite
sono me [kanji: hitomi] wa tsumi dakara boku no ude no naka ni tojikomeru
kimi no yume wo kikasete dare ni mo iwanai yo
hazukashigarazu ni sotto oshiete
chikai mirai no yume wo mite
futari ga musubareteita nara
sore wa kitto yume ja nai kara
mou soba ni iru yo
asayake-mitai na konna kimochi wasureteita
kimi to deaeta kara sunao ni nareru yo
me ni mienai tenshi ima nara shinjirareru ka mo
kimagure ja nai kara ima hajirashitari shinaide...
kimi no yume o kikasete... dare ni mo iwanai yo
hazukashigarazu ni sotto oshiete
moshi kimi ga kowai yume no naka de
maigo ni natte naite'tara
kiss de namida wo fuite
doko ni ite mo fukae ni iku yo
chikai mirai no yume wo mite
futari ga musubareteita nara
sore wa kitto yume ja nai kara
mou soba ni iru yo
yoru ga kite mo koko ni iru kara... tsugi no asa mo futari de matou

im sitting here and im not sure what in the world im supposed to be doing or feeling. I feel like ive run for what seems like forever and i finally found a house i liked, it is nice and warm and i love being able to go to it every single night but the more i go to it the more it seems to push away and get smaller. I dont like that.....i feel like i might have finally found that one thing ive been missing and it cant be....how sick is that?

dreaming a dream
where im alone with you
laying in bed
singing you to sleep
lead me away
from all of these pains
all i need is you
lead me into your heaven
thats all i can ask
i see bright lights around
warm..
so warm
you keep me warm in the coldness of winter
the snow is to much to bare this year
i need you to open up
to want me
can you see
all i want
all i desire
all i need is you
you...
the only light from the sun

Ive had the most beautiful past few days....i honestly havnt been happy for a long time....and like everytime i am with this girl i am happy....we talk for 3-6hrs at a time...we went to the park tonight and talked about many emotional things.....we both cried at least once....we gradually got closer to eachother while talking and at some point we were so close that i was resting my head on hers...i wanted to grab her hand but i was to scared....i really think i love her but it scares me cause i have never felt this kind of love before....it scares me cause i want it to work out but im about to burst cause i just want to tell her how much i like her...i had to drop her off at a stop sign away from her house cause she was out to late.... when we stopped to let her out we sat in my car..i put it in park and we talked for another 30min...i so didnt want her to leave...as i watched her walk down the street i was about to drive up next to her get out and tell her how i feel about her but i didnt....i dont know why i didnt...i should have....i watched her dissapear into the shadows and then i just stared for another 10min....then i just drove off...like 2min later she called me and said she got in ok and that she couldnt talk to me tonight...i said ok and i hope shes ok....we talked for a few min then we said goodnight...she sounded so sad...arg! it scares me so much cause i have never been able to sit down with a person and just talk about stuff for like hours on end...everytime we talk it goes by so fast and its for so long....ugg i just want to hold her and take her away from everything...*shrug*...im going to go on a walk and think about stuff....i miss her so much.....i learn so much about myself when i talk to her...

liking someone is tiring......ya

well....work is tiring....it was really crazy but yu-hui showed me how to do stuff....shes very nice........................*cough* ummm ya not much going on.....woot.....moltar...yes..........aight

well...i know that we have been through this whole thing like 8 times now and im sorry i dont call you and try to set stuff up....im sorry i never call you....but you should know by now that i really dont call anyone....i dont even have sams phone number so i cant call him..i dont call jr and i dont call beth...i dont really have anyone else to call...i would rather just talk to someone in person...and your right things arn't like they were and im not sure they ever will be and theres really nothing i can do about it....maybe if you end up going to montevallo or something...and we live close enough or together or whatever we can start doing stuff everyday but now we cant im on like a completly different time frame from you now....your in school then work... im in school from 9-5 if not later...and i just recently got a job....

so ya.....im getting a cell phone soon so i can actually start calling people then...im not sure what else i can say...sometimes i just want to lay around and watch tv or soemthing i dont always want to go somewhere and when you call it sounds like the only reason is cause you need someone to go with you somewhere...

but oh well like i said ill always be here and im sorry i dont call you but dont feel like im avoiding you cause im not, i still think of you as my best friend but if you dont believe that i dont know what to do...i dont really call anyone..i just dont like talking on phones much..

and about the whole sam thing...some stuff happened and we are alittle closer now because of it but still i think of you as one of my best friends...even though we dont talk every week i still care about you im not just going to give up and not think of you as a friend, im not like that....the friends i have id like to keep for the rest of my life...just things are alittle confused right now~

to many times have i wanted it to rain when it snows
you leave me no choice sometimes
like what im meant to do is be your blanket
cover you when you sleep and keeping out the bugs
these winter winds arn't friendly anymore are they?
I told you, i told you to your face
I gave youa liht and told you to hold it yet you still are in the dark
can you not see this? what im holding in my heart
you live from day to day and i need you to see the whole picture
do you cry tears of pride?
like your mother
whose only hope is to make you strong
living a life of friendship is not what you need
reach your arms out and touch what i gave you
i gave it to you when we met
if you can still see that far then you know where to meet
im here now singing for you
singing this melody
hoping it will reach you in time...
time for us to leave
to leave
leaving these days behind us to find that place we shall call home, together

if anyone cares my aim name was deleted so my new one is Scrappedbits

love it :P

I just want to be able to find myself in this world
see where i am
i should be able tolook up to the clouds and feel at home
feel like im one
but i dont
i feel alone
and no one can help
trapped in this dream
i'd like to call fate
spinning a web for myself
using it as a bridge
ive been traveling it for so long now i lost where i started
what was it i saw back then when i was with you
can you even remember?
no?
alright
still following this road i crafted myself
only to see that the light at the end
only leads myself to more faces of you
can you not see me? im standing right here
supporting you
filling myself up just to let you see a little more clearly
are you here?
are you near?
no?
alright

things i havtn done for a long while:

Fall in love
feel happy
see sam
play ddr
draw
kiss someone
fall asleep on my bed instead of the floor
eat 3 meals a day
listen to happy music
not cry everytime i see the "ending" to wolfs rain

Things i have done:
Finished watching Kiddy grade
FLCL
and wolfs rain threw 26
finished my term paper for class
wanted to go to tn
talked to sam
hung out with my dog
cried
missed people
...
....
.....
..been lonely

havnt updated in awhile...

...been crammed with school stuff, tons of fun... we have to write a paper and im either going to do it on Mulholland Dr., A.I., or the cowboy bebop movie....hmmm all would be fun to write.....another paper we had to write was we go to a populated place and watch the ways people act and the kind of people that are there....i chose walmart :) i felt like a stalker though,...sitting in my car staring at moms :P major fun!...ummm my sister gets married this weekend....me, mom and dad are driving to TN on thursday and prolly be gone most of the weekend... my other sister and my grandma will be there so that will be fun to have us all together....i havnt seen christa or sam in a long time...but christa is dealing with stuff so i understand....ummm and eli was randomly online today...i got up the nerve to im him but he didnt respond for like 5min then just signed off so i guess he really doesnt want to be my friend ever again....*shrug* all thats happened and my mom came into my room one day almost in tears cause she thought something was wron g and i was depressed....which i guess i still am but im trying to not sjhow it.....which i guess isnt working all to well :P and everyone needs to watch FLCL(fooly cooly) on adult swim....its wierd but its such a great series....i saw it awhile back and im glad there starting to but good anime on tv......hmmm now who wants to air eva :D *cash register noise*

I had been meaning to start another journal, and last night at liek 3am i did....so heres first entry...


i dream of clouds
clouds of red, blue, and green
red clouds of pain
pain you have givin me
pain that will never go away
blue clouds of hope
hope to one day
one day leaving you behind
locking you in your room and throwing out the key
hope that one day i'll find love
that love you gave me
you said was forever
forever meaning never
green clouds of greed
greed so i can leave one day
leave it all behind
leave one day, grown up and alone
you promised me forever
and for that i am wounded
wounded for life
a life i can never live
people i can never grasp onto
and love i will never have
ever again
Thank you for forever...

Ya....another long night....i dont know why i dont go to sleep earlier....guess its just cause i have nothing better to do,,plus i seem to do the best thinking when im awak and alone sitting in the dark :| Been watching numerous new anime's scrapped princess is great....sigh not that anyone cares what my fav anime's are so....ya....talked to my parents some about letting our dog start to be an inside dog....they said it would be cool but there not sure....so i have to talk to thm more...but that would be cool....get to play with her all day and night :D woof... tommorrows fathers day....well later today i guess...i bought my dad medal of honor :P he said somehting about playing it so ya.... i wanna see him play it lol....kill nazi's >:O besides that my life sucks, i have no gf....number of friends is shrinking and i dont know what to do....no one wants to hire me for a job so guess ill go bother them more:{ wish someone liked me :( *feels alone* .....anyone wanna love me? eh eh...im kinda and i can feed and clean myself! yes seriously! i am that cool! :D

Wow.....just got done watching the cowboy bebop movie......not only was it as good as i had hoped it was 100x better than i ever could have imagined.......every single frame could have been taken out and framed to be put on a wall it was so beautiful.....after watching it....i just sat there through the credits boggled at to how mind-blowing it was...im like literally speechless...the movie was that good....i feel like i need to watch it again to try and take everything in but since its 3am i guess i should go to sleep....:O......life is but a deam...
P.S..... Vincent is by far the coolest villan ive ever seen in anything,]...he fuckin clawed into spikes chest and made him bleed and scared for the first time in his life....its freakin nuts i swear

Date:	2003-06-02 01:38
Subject:	The garden of everything
Security:	Public
Mood:	gloomy

So I was walking around at like 2-3am....really for no reason was just sad and lonely and nothing better to do i guess....so im walking along and its so dark outside...im going along and i look up and i see katie....i havnt seen her in like 4monthes and we just by chance happen to meet here... her head is tiled twords the sky....it was really a beautiful and moving sight...i had to stop from walking and take it in...she then looked over at me and gave me a very slight smile...i then noticed all the tears in her eyes. I started to jog over to her. When i got there she just looked at me and smiled. We didnt even say anything...just started to walk side by side down the street. i got up the nerve to ask her what had made her cry so hard. She told me that she got in a huge fight with her boyfriend, that they were yelling and he got mad and started to hit and throw things...and he was about to hit her but before he could she ran out and she has been walking for at least an hour. So we are walking along nd i notice that she isnt next to me anymore. I turn around and she is laying on the ground on her knees crying. I run over to her and kneel down to see what happened. She looks up at me and cries more and the grasps out holding me...so there we are at 2am in the middle of the sidewalk laying down holding eachother...she then looks up at me...says me name leans in and...


Next thing I know we are in her aparment kissing and feeling all over eachother... she forces me over and we fall onto her bed...next thing i know...

I open my eyes and look around and see that its about 5am. I look down to see katie and I are completly naked and she is asleep on my chest. Suddenly she leans up and is sitting there on her knees completly naked in front of me. She looked so sute i just wanted to hold her. So i lean in and give a kiss then back away and she is smiling. I ask her if she wated to go to eat breakfeast somewhere and she said yes. So we both get up to get dressed. While im putting on my clothes she leans against my back and puts her head between the back of my shoulders. She reaches her hands around me and hugs me...It felt so great...we must have just stood there for like 5minutes not moving..i started to feel something run down my back and realized she was crying again. I pulled her hands apart and turned around and without looking down at her pulled her to my chest and we both sat down.....we didnt move from that spot for 5 hours. She fell asleep in my arms and i just sat there looking at her thinking about how beautiful she is. I slowely fell asleep too. Iwoke up and katie wasnt there anymore...i saw a paper on the floor and grabbed it. It told me that she had a wonderful night but she doesnt know what to do anymore....and that she will never see me again...

I got up and walked around some...I stopped and decided to eat something....sittin there just thinking about what had happened.. I go home and my parents freaked out cause i had been gone for over 24hrs and they hadnt heard from me...and i had never not told them where i was...They told me never to do that again but i just walked to my room closed the door and didnt say anything to them...i turned off the lights and just sat there and thought....i thought so much about what i was feeling what i should do and what i can do....i wanted to track katie down but how....i knew nothing....i dont know why but i desided to go walking again at night...for 3 nights i walked around...hoping that she wuld be there but she wasnt....the next night i just decided to walk around some more...i found a bench and just sat down....i was ready to give up...all of a sudden it started to pour down rain...i got up and started to run...i found a gas station so i ran over there...hiding under the roof from the rain i look over and who do i see but katie sitting there crying again. I slowely walked over and asked if i could join her...she smiled and i sat down. She leaned her head aginst me shoulder and told me what happened. About the fight...how he hit her this time...how she hit him back....he was bleeding and she ran...how she feels so lost but is to scared to go on. I didnt know what to say to all this...but i should have seen the signs of where it would go.

We ended up at her home again...under the covers naked...another night gone and again into the morning. She woke up with me and smiled....she said she liked staying liek this....it was as if time froze...she doesnt want to get up....she told me that she needed something to drink but didnt have anything. She asked me to go to the corner store and get her something, i said ok but if she left again i would never forgive her. She looked confused but i could tell in her mind she wanted to run away again. So i get to the door and look back to make sure she is still there and it looked like she had fallen back asleep....i dont know what came over me but i said out loud i loved her....she didnt respond...so i left quietly and ran to the store as fast as i could, i bought some milk, tea, and soda all of which i remember seeing her drink alot of....she always loved milk. So i run back up the stairs...half expecting not to see her there. I get to her door and its opened a crack so im guessing she had left...i slowely walk in and call out her name but no response...i put the stuff ona table and walk to her bed and the covers are laying on the floor in a pile so i kept walking..i check every room and no sign of her i walk back to the main mall and pause thinking...shes gone.....she promised me and she still left....then somehting catches my attention...that pile on the floor....it changed colors....from white to being red in places...i slowely walked forward and i see her leg hanging out from the covers....i didnt wanna know what had happened but i had to....i get close and grab the covers and fling it across the room with my eyes closed...katie was there....eyes closed....arms behind her back...blood everywhere, dead....dead.....why...why did she die....what could possibly be so bad that she had to do that to herself....i will never know....i never will but it still drives me crazy....ive been crying since that happened...she had a note laying next to her....it was the same note as she had left me before only this time it said that she loved me..............


I called 911 and left before they got there...i took a long long walk...i got home and again my parents yelled at me but i walked to my room got my car keys and left again...i jusdt drove...not caring where i went...maybe 3hours went by and every turn i just wanted to jerk the wheel off and slam into a tree...idk what kept me from not doing it but i ended up back at home...ive been sleeping ever since...tears are always falling from my eyes.....i feel so useless........so here i am laying in bed crying yet again for someone who i could never love....an't life grand?

Why is it that ever time you try to move on you fall behind....you dont love ANYONE. You see someone you think you could like and start to have feelings for them but its nothing serious is it? It never is....You are constantly dragging people down with you...you make people unhappy because you can't make yourself happy...you say you want love....you want love like so many of your friends but thats not what you want...you dont even know what that means....have you ever been in love? You think yes but is it really so? Is it?...i mean really you had feelings for this person but when it was time to decide where to go you ran and hid didnt you...no one will ever know the real you because you will never open up to anyone! People have tried but failed because you are just way to scared....you like a little baby lost without a mother.You can only become one with someone else if you will open. I can take you to the door but ur going to have to open it and go through to the other side. You get sad every night sitting there alone.. but do you know why? Cause you aren't loved? Because your scared? Petty reasons to stay inside....live alittle. Fall in love....its in your hands...why can't you see that?!? You make me sick!...

Have you ever expierenced something that was so real it just blew you away? That just happened to me.....anime always has had that in it but this anime was like no other...its about war...its about the pain it puts people threw...and people being forced to grow up when they shouldn't have to....this episode was just all to real because it reminded me of so many people that i know and love...jr...beth...my parents..brian..paul...my sisters..the combos..david..sam...jennifer...sigh just so many people....and to all those people, I love you, and im sorry sometimes i seem distant or i dont talk to you....i love and care about you and i dont know what i would do if any of you had to leave my life...so...thank you.

Ive always been really close to my friends....but tonight i just founf out...and so did my friend that his dad was in critical condition and was going to die within the hour....we were playing a game anf he got all quiet i bugged him till he told me what was wrong.....he tells me that...i almost felt like i was gunna cry....i know its like "wrong" for me to want to like like hold him while he cries but at that moment i really didnt care...he told me and logged off....i felt empty....ahhhwhy does life suck so much..

I wonder why im so scared....im so scared off everything.....of doing something new and different cause i dont want to affect what i have....i dont like changes but them seem to happen alot to me. []....i dont know what to do with school.....i think i might fail 2 classes....my mom yelled at me when i asked if i could stay at the house next year instead of living in a dorm....i just dont know...everything makes me want to cry latly....i dont even have a reason...im in one of those depressed states...im trying not to focus on it but it just seems me make me feel more strange...[]...i feel like crying right now....

Memories concern
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safer in my room
Unless I try to start again

[Chorus]
I don't want to be the one
Who battles always choose
Cuz inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

Cultured my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I have no options left again

[Chorus]
I dont want to be the one
Who battles always choose
Cuz inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

I'll paint it on the walls
Cuz I'm the one that falls
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

[Chorus]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit tonight

i hate being me i really do....im so weak...i cant just go about and do what i want....i cant just find someone like everyother person in the world....i have to look deep into your soul to see who you are and why you are here.......i thought i was doing a good job of that but its failed me twice.....sigh im so scared of crying...i dont know if it scares people away from me....i hate showing people how much i cry cause i feel so week.....ihate everything about me...i really do...i hate my hair how its always so poofy...i hate my skin how its never tan how i can never get enough power to work out....how im never happy....how my friends have to ask me to smile...i cant just smile for them....that really does hurt alot......i dont know whats wrong with me....i just feel like fading away but i cant.....sigh i wish someone liked me....i whish someone was interested in me in the way im interested in people...how i want to know everything about people....i want to know what they are thinking constently...am i the only person like that?....maybe im sick with something and i take a pill and i get happy and dont care about stuff so much....

And today when my mom got mad at asking me if i could stay at hom next semester....it just....i felt like they didnt want me around...how they like dont seem to care anymore...everythings always based around my sisters...my sisters wedding....the other sisters 2 childeren.....there always over there...always on the phone....i never say anything thats on my minds to people cause i dont want to hurt anyone....i just...i wish people could sence what im thinking and feeling....im so stupid...i need to clean up....goodnight world